How can I forgive someone who has deeply hurt me?
The Path to Healing: Forgiving Those Who Have Deeply Hurt Us
Understanding What Forgiveness Is (and What It Is Not)
When we are deeply hurt, the idea of forgiving the person who caused us pain can seem impossible. However, forgiveness is not about excusing the wrong or pretending the pain doesnât matter. It is about releasing the burden of bitterness and trusting God with the outcome. Colossians 3:13 reminds us, “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
Forgiveness does not mean condoning the hurt or letting the offender off the hook. Instead, forgiveness is a choice to relinquish our right to hold a grudge or seek revenge. It is about allowing God to be the judge and trusting Him to handle the justice. Romans 12:19 says, “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Forgiveness releases us from the heavy weight of resentment and opens the door for healing.
Recognizing Our Own Need for Forgiveness
One of the first steps in forgiving someone who has deeply hurt us is recognizing our own need for forgiveness. When we realize how much we have been forgiven by God, it softens our hearts toward those who have wronged us. Ephesians 4:32 calls us to reflect on Godâs mercy: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
Godâs forgiveness of our sins should be the model for how we forgive others. No matter how deep the hurt weâve experienced, it pales in comparison to the enormity of our sin against a holy God. Yet, in His love and grace, God chooses to forgive us. Psalm 103:10-12 reminds us, “He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”
Understanding our own forgiveness enables us to extend that same grace to others. It doesnât make the pain go away, but it shifts our focus from the offense to the grace we have received.
Choosing to Forgive is an Act of Obedience
Forgiveness is not primarily an emotional decision; it is an act of obedience to God. Matthew 6:14-15 makes this clear: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Jesus calls us to forgive because it reflects the forgiveness we have received from Him.
While forgiveness may not feel natural, it is a choice we must make in obedience to Godâs command. This doesnât mean the pain or anger will immediately disappear, but it does mean that we are taking a step of faith by trusting God to help us through the process. Obeying God in this area is the first step toward healing. Philippians 2:13 assures us, “For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.” God will help us as we take this step of obedience.
Relying on Godâs Strength to Forgive
Forgiving someone who has deeply hurt us can seem impossible in our own strength, but the good news is that we donât have to do it alone. God gives us the strength to forgive through His Holy Spirit. Philippians 4:13 encourages us, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
When we feel overwhelmed by the pain and the thought of forgiveness feels impossible, we can lean on Godâs strength. He understands our hurt, and He is ready to help us as we walk through the process of forgiving. 2 Corinthians 12:9 reminds us of Godâs promise: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” When we acknowledge our weakness and ask for Godâs help, His grace empowers us to forgive.
Prayer is a key part of this process. Asking God to help us forgive, to soften our hearts, and to give us the strength to release the pain is essential. Mark 11:25 tells us, “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” Through prayer, we invite God into our pain, and He begins the work of healing and restoration.
Forgiveness is a Process
Forgiving someone, especially when the hurt is deep, is not always an instant event. It is often a process that requires time, prayer, and continual surrender. Matthew 18:21-22 captures this reality when Peter asked Jesus how often he should forgive someone: “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus replied, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” This response from Jesus emphasizes that forgiveness is ongoing, and it may take time.
There will likely be moments when the pain resurfaces, and we find ourselves struggling with resentment again. In those moments, we must choose to forgive once more, trusting God to continue healing our hearts. Colossians 3:13 encourages us to be patient in this process: “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
Forgiveness is not about a one-time act that erases all feelings of hurt, but about a continual posture of surrendering the pain to God and allowing Him to heal us over time.
Forgiveness Brings Freedom and Healing
One of the most profound reasons to forgive is that it brings freedom and healing to our own hearts. Holding onto unforgiveness keeps us trapped in bitterness, anger, and pain. It can affect our mental, emotional, and even physical health. Hebrews 12:15 warns, “Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” Bitterness can take root in our hearts and grow into something that distorts our perspective and damages our relationships, even with those who have not hurt us.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, brings freedom. It releases us from the chains of bitterness and allows us to experience Godâs peace. Isaiah 61:1 speaks of Godâs desire to bring healing and freedom: “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.” When we forgive, we step into the freedom that Christ has won for us.
This freedom doesnât mean the hurt never happened or that it wasnât significant. It means that we are no longer bound by it. Forgiveness opens the door for Godâs healing to flow into our hearts, mending the wounds and bringing restoration.
Trusting God with Justice
One of the hardest aspects of forgiveness is letting go of the desire for justice. When we have been wronged, itâs natural to want the person to pay for what theyâve done. But forgiveness calls us to trust God with justice, knowing that He is a righteous judge who sees everything. Deuteronomy 32:4 reminds us, “He is the Rock, His work is perfect; for all His ways are justice, a God of truth and without injustice; righteous and upright is He.”
God promises that He will bring justice in His time and in His way. Romans 12:19 says, “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, âVengeance is Mine, I will repay,â says the Lord.” When we forgive, we are not denying the need for justice; we are simply entrusting that justice to God. We release the situation into His hands, knowing that He will handle it perfectly.
Trusting God with justice frees us from the burden of bitterness and the constant desire for revenge. It allows us to focus on healing and moving forward, rather than being consumed by the need to make the other person pay for what theyâve done.
Conclusion: Forgiveness as an Act of Faith
Forgiving someone who has deeply hurt us is one of the greatest challenges we may face, but it is also one of the most powerful acts of faith and obedience. Forgiveness is not about excusing the wrong or minimizing the pain; it is about releasing the burden of bitterness and trusting God with the healing process. It is a choice to reflect the grace we have received from God and to invite Him into our pain to bring restoration.
As we forgive, we step into the freedom and peace that God offers, knowing that He is with us every step of the way. Matthew 5:7 reminds us, “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.” In forgiving, we not only reflect Godâs heart but also open ourselves up to His ongoing work of grace and healing in our lives. Let us trust Him with our pain, knowing that He is faithful to heal, restore, and bring justice in His perfect timing.